Dumped and Dumped On
Life happened last week
This is slightly different than my usual content, but then again, my usual content is whatever I feel compelled to explore each week. So, technically, this is on brand 🦋
The great thing about being 29 is having the learned ability to bounce back from a break-up at record speed.
The man I’ve been dating for three months decided we aren’t compatible.
Been there, done that. Too many times. (Not always the same reason, but that’s irrelevant.)
It doesn’t get easier, it’s never easy. But that’s precisely what time on the market allows you to accept.
It’s never easy.
Regardless of the time spent together or the labels (often times, the lack thereof) or whose decision it was, you always feel like a crumpled up piece of paper lying there1.
Once you accept that no amount of psychoanalyzing or questioning or preventative measures is going to make things easier, you can open the flood gates and let the emotions run wild. I’m not saying it’s fun, I’ve just learned that it’s necessary.
If you want to bounce back, you’ve got to hit the wall first.
How to Bounce Back?
1. Don’t apply any rules until you’ve given yourself time to crash out.
Most of us have picked up plenty of tools along the way - gratitude, breathing techniques, prayer, etc. These are great, but I’ve learned that I can’t focus on anything until I sit with the sadness. You don’t have to justify your emotions, just exist as you are. You’re allowed to be dramatic.
2. I cannot stress this enough, lean on your friends.
When I was younger, I was very much a “suffer in silence” type. I didn’t want anyone to think I couldn’t handle things on my own and I was also embarrassed of most emotions.
As I’ve grown, I’ve built friendships with amazing people whom I trust with my life. I know if I call them in crisis, they will listen. They will support. And they will not judge me for the unfiltered thoughts that need to escape my head.
Having a support system will quiet your negative thoughts faster than the silence ever will.
3. Stay with me here: You have to believe in yourself and your own worthiness
You have to believe with your whole chest that you are allowed to find love and happiness.
It’s easy to get caught up in self improvement and think, “if I was just better at X, then things would work out.”
You have to kick that thinking to the curb.
I’m not saying we should ignore our flaws, I’m saying our flaws do not make us unworthy of relationships. It’s simply a matter of finding the right relationship for who we are and who we want to be.
This can be exceptionally tough when all of the evidence points to things never working out, but self-doubt is far more exhausting than faith.
4. Allow the break-up to fuel your confidence, not hinder it
As you move on, go after exactly what you want. Best case scenario, you get it. Worst case scenario, you’re exactly where you are now and you’ve just proven that you can survive where you are now.
If you allow it to hinder your confidence, you still won’t escape future hurt. All you’re doing is limiting your chances at finding joy.
A bit of perspective, once you’re ready to hear it
A reminder that you can’t control everything.
Saturday, August 1st - 8ish pm
The weather is unusually pleasant for an August evening, so we’re sitting on the patio. The random tree planted amidst the city sidewalk is a nice touch, but it’s also home to one too many birds.
My friend Logan is mid-sentence when…splat.
A bird poops on his arm.
“Not again,” he sighs.
Noooooo (me trying not to laugh).
Allowing a beat for the acceptance to sink in, he then goes to the bathroom to wash it off.
Everything about the evening was going well - the weather, the outfits, the energy. All we wanted was a drink before we went dancing, but life had other plans.
Life. Relationships. They follow the same rules.
Sometimes [stuff] happens.
Sigh about it. Cry about it. Laugh about it. Tell your friends about it.
Do what you have to do to wash away the trouble, then move on to the dance floor and shake some a** [redacted, my family reads this]
All Too Well 10 Minute Version (Taylor’s Version) - Taylor Swift
Absolutely spot on